AND THEN! i find out that she messaged Pat too. Talking about how she misses him and she wishes she was brave enough to send a message from her actual facebook. and asking if he ever thinks about leaving me. It’s all so junior high it makes me nauseous.

Unfortunately, because i am me and i don’t deal very well with confrontation, have burst into tears. Not because i’m worried about some chick stealing Pat – i am totally not worried about pat going anywhere. But it was just so hurtful. I try to be a good girlfriend and more often than not i think i do a pretty good job. has she seen us together and honestly believes that i am bad for him? i hate to think that i could be bad for him…i love him so much.

blahhhhhhh blah blah i hate stupid people. i think i’ll go cry myself to sleep now.

until next time <3

the anticipation, the excitement, the thrill of a new relationship.

not knowing every conversation before it happens.

when the sex isn’t predictable.

knowing that there are still surprises to come.

the romance of when he’s still trying to win you over.

————————————————————————————————————–

having the comfortable kind of love that makes your soul crawl out from where its been hiding for so long.

knowing, without a doubt that he will be there if you need him, no matter what.

being able to talk about anything. literally – anything.

none of the anxiety that comes with a new lover.

not having to wake up early to brush your teeth and do your make-up before he wakes up.

the comfort that comes once he’s won you over.

does one outweigh the other? does it just depend on the day? am i supposed to prefer one ALL the time?? is it okay to miss being single sometimes? does that make me a bad girlfriend that i even think about this stuff? i don’t ever seriously consider breaking up with Pat, sometimes i just miss those little things, the firsts.

Pat and I get to have a different kind of beginning, a better kind because its so much more strong and rare. We’ll get to have the first engagement, the first marriage, the first child. We’ll get to have a whole life together and thats a different kind of excitement. It’s just that sometimes i’m not sure how i feel about giving up the other kind of excitement.

I’ve been talking about wedding/engagement stuff alot lately. Pat seems like he’s kind of freaking out about the whole thing. He makes this noise every time i mention it, it makes me so nervous that i’m so much more ready than he is. It really scares me; but what the hell am i supposed to do about it? I’ve always been able to tell him what i’m thinking and i dont want to stop doing that – but him freaking out just makes me want to cry. It’s not like i want to get engaged today and married tomorrow; but we’ve been dating for over two years, i dont think serious engagement talk should be cause for a freak out. OR an annoying snorting noise which makes it seem like the whole subject is laughable.

Until next time <3

everytime i think i’m completely over him, something happens and i just want to curl up in bed and cry.

that was supposed to be me. we talked about it, he proposed, he were going to get married and then he would join the air force while i went to college. Right out of college we would start a family and settle down in the carolinas.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME!

instead i’m not married, i’m not pregnant, i’m not even engaged.

it’s not even that i would want to be with zach if i was given the chance, i am so happy with pat.
i just can’t stand that she has everything i’ve always wanted.

I WANNA GET MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES!

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME!!!

*sigh*

until next time <3

i’m home on winter break now. spent a few days in boston with pat and peekaboo. me and pat celebrated our two year anniversary with some shopping (dress clothes for him), some present buying (he got me a really pretty ring with three little diamonds in it – he hasnt said its a promise ring but sam swears it has to be), then we went out to dinner and to the movies. i got him a “romantic evening for two” it was a box with a bottle of wine and two glasses, a bunch of candles, romantic music, lingerie and a cute little book that i have a feeling i love way more than he does.

he totally failed at getting cards. seriously, how hard is it to buy a card and write something sweet in it? NOT VERY! he knows i like them, i dont understand. i went all out with my gift to him and he couldnt manage a card? STEP IT UP PATRICK!

anyway, i went to a career fair on tuesday. there wasnt a whole lot of useful stuff there. alot of grad schools and volunteer opportunities. neither of which i need right now. it was a tad frustrating.

now im home for a couple days. today i did dr. appts. tomorrow is homework day. i went to my gyno this morning and she completely scared the crap out of me first she said “your last test showed abnormal cells” and then she said “but then we found out it was nothing” for about two seconds i thought for sure i was about to hear the words ovarian cancer. stupid cancer running in families.

then i went to the eye dr. i needed new glasses cause the ones i have now are crooked and the lenses pop out all the time. there was this one pair that i really liked but the whole inside of them are hot pink and when they’re on my face i can see the hot pink. but other than that i really liked them so i bought them and i think i might take a sharpie to the pink on the inside.

oh. so i’ve had stretch marks since i was eleven and the whole pregnant rape victim thing happened. they’ve always just been on my hips and they’ve faded over the years so im not nearly as self conscious about them anymore. BUT very recently i’ve gotten a new one. and it makes me feel so fat and so uncomfortable and i hate hate HATE it. i had clothes on as often as possible when i was in boston cause im so embarrassed by it. i mean, i guess i shouldnt be around pat. he has them too and his are way more extensive than mine is but still…its right on my stomach. i’ll never wear a bikini again. i just…i dont feel sexy anymore. i’ve always been curvy and i’ve always liked it. but when does it stop being curvy and start being chubby? i used to be so comfortable being naked around pat. and now im always covering up. i kind of broke down and started crying about it while i was there but i didnt tell him what it was about. i’m too embarassed.

hopefully pat will be coming to visit elmira in a few weeks over his spring break. he’s trying to figure out travel arrangements now. everything is too expensive. its pretty lame.

ok. i am officially exhausted. off to sleep.

until next time -<3

I started working out again. i ran about a mile on sunday and then this morning i went to the gym and ran 2 and a half. It feels really good to be getting active again. I have so much more energy when i start my day at the gym. and even when i’m sore, its definitely a good sore.

In other news, Kassi has confided in me about something. She is thinking about having sex and wants to go on the pill but doesn’t know how to talk to mom about it. She had a few questions about sex stuff and we talked for awhile. It was really great getting to talk to her. I’ve always been really close to Sam and we’ve always been able to talk to each other about anything but me and Kass have never had that. Generally because most of the time she’s a thieving bitch. But i’m hoping that from here on out we’ll get to know each other better and talk more. We’re gonna go out to dinner just the two of us when i go home for break.

Elmira has gotten a ton of snow in the last 24 hours. I didn’t have to go to internship today because of it and i’m REALLY hoping that night class will also be canceled. I hate that class so much and i don’t wanna go. If its not canceled i have to go because we’re going to be talking about what’s going to be on the midterm next week. So i would really just prefer that it be canceled.

I have alot of work to do this week and none of it has been done yet. I have a lit review due next week, along with two papers and three exams. BLAHHHH!!

I guess i better go get started.

Until next time -<3

*sigh* in other news. Went to Fran’s today. Brought her Lemon Meringue Pie and Flowers for her birthday. (She sent me home with half the pie ) We played cards for a few hours, it was fun. Then I went to friendley’s for dinner with Katlin and Mindy and had an awesome burger (half is in my fridge for lunch tomorrow) and we went to the movies to see Dear John. It was ok. Better than Nights in Rodanthe but not as good as The Notebook or A Walk to Remember. Channing Tatum looked damn good in that uniform – and looked even better without the shirt when he went surfing I realized how much i miss dating a guy who’s taller than me. I know that sounds odd and kind of horrible but its soooo true. In the movie Tatum’s Character was taller than the main girl and she would look up into his eyes and he would lean down to kiss her…oh i miss that…Half the time Pat is slouching so much that he’s shorter than me :/
Oh well…

Until next time -<3

His best days will be some of my worst,
I finally met a man that’s gonna put me first,
While I’m wide awake, he’s no trouble sleeping,
‘Coz when a heart breaks
no it don’t break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re ok
I’m falling to pieces
I’m falling to pieces

There’s really nothing else to say…

Until next time -<3

So, i woke up this morning and went to the preschool to observe. A little girl drew me a picture, its adorable – its now hanging on my wall.

Then i checked my mail and found out that i made the deans list AND am being inducted into an honor society.

Then i accidentally dropped my phone and now all the buttons on the front magically work.

Then i got to class and i got a 90 on an exam AND we watched Grey’s in class.

Then i got to lunch and there was grilled cheese and krinkle cut fries.

Then i took a three hour nap and woke up in the middle of some really good dreams.

Work went by really fast.

Community, The Deep End, Grey’s Anatomy, and Project Runway were all new tonight.

I don’t have any more classes until Monday night. and i get to go out to dinner and to the movies this weekend.

SUCH A FANTASTICAL DAY!!!

until next time -<3

nowwww i just have to talk to ken. and i have no idea what i want to say to him or how to say it. Blah blah blah. i hate tough conversations. He knows me so well which means he knows how to get in my head and get me all confused all over again. I don’t want to be confused. i just want him to understand that no matter how tempted i get, he ain’t gettin any. I love Pat – end of story.

Except not end of story, cause i have more to say!
Pat has been given permission to read this blog…but he won’t. He says he’s respecting my venting space…which is…nice i guess.
except its completely not nice! i dont understand it! how can he not be curious about what i’m writing?! he knows im writing about him!
and actually, i want him to read my venting. because then he knows how i’m feeling without me having to bitch at him. its a convenient way to let me get my point across without having to actually talk to him about it. Its bitching by proxy!

ok. i feel way better than i have in a long time.
18 days until i get to see my boys (Patrick and Peekaboo)

Until next time -<3

1.) Nobody really knows if they’re truly in love. It’s far too complicated and differs too much from person to person. there is no concrete, definitive way to know. I asked Pat how he knows that he is in love with me – and he said that it may be that he still gets butterflies. Hearing this, i immediately burst into tears because i can’t remember the last time Pat gave me butterflies. I’m far too comfortable around him to get butterflies. But maybe thats how i feel love; maybe for me, love is being comfortable enough around someone to be yourself. and if that’s true, Pat is the only man i have ever truly been in love with.

2.) When I’m actually physically with Pat, i am almost always happy. But when I’m in Elmira and Pat is in Boston i am so devastatingly, horribly, depressingly, unhappy. I cried myself to sleep last night and couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed until noon today. Ken says that that’s to be expected; that long distance is hard. But is it supposed to be this hard?

3.) It seems as though the distance affects me far more than it affects Pat; and that kills me. I know he misses me and i know that he loves me. But he manages to get through it – while i fall apart. It’s like that song by Faith Hill.

“if i had just one tear rolling down your cheek
maybe i could cope
maybe i’d get some sleep
if i had just one moment at your expense
maybe all my misery
would be well spent

could you cry a little
lie just a little
pretend that you’re feeling just a little more pain
i gave now i’m wanting
something in return
so cry just a little for me”

I feel like there was something else i wanted to say but i can’t quite remember what it was…

AHA! just remembered what it was! (7 hours later but thats ok!)
4.) I’m always the instigator. Pat has never, not once, expressed any sort of discontent about our relationship. EVER. To the best of my knowledge, he is fully satisfied with every aspect of us. Mean while, i’m constantly getting upset about something pertaining to our relationship. What the hell is wrong with me that i can’t just be happy? and what the hell is wrong with his that he is ALWAYS happy. It makes me feel like a terrible person when he’s just happy as a clam and i’m little miss negativity pointing out all the flaws.

ok…now i think i’m done…for now.

until next time -<3